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Scene 5: "Screw Comma"

from How to Hire by Satomage

/

lyrics

EUGENE
Sorry about that. What we need right now is the person who already embodies what we stand for. How do you feel you fit in?

APPLICANT TWO
I can do anything that I put my mind to when I have the time to be myself and I won't do everything I don't think I want this but I have no choices anymore.

EUGENE
That's good and all but what we are looking for is someone with more management experience.

APPLICANT ONE
I have always been the person people go to, to fix all the problems that may happen and I always come up with valuable solutions I just have this gift to make things well.

EUGENE
That's fine but what we really need to know is if you are able to perform without reasonable accommodations.

APPLICANT TWO
I have to get the most value out of my time I don't have much but it's in short demand.

APPLICANT ONE
I stick to what I know it has never failed me I can get by perfectly any where but I know how to adapt to a new location doesn't take me long to find my way.

APPLICANT TWO
And I don't mind working late; I'll do what I have to, to be more successful to your needs.

EUGENE
Frankly, it depends on how good a man we get to fill it. Remember the purpose of the interview. Its not an incoming inspection or a cross examination. It’s to find out what this man really wants to do. Be courteous and friendly and just listen to the man. Determine his major dissatisfactions with his present job. Find out how competent the candidate is technically and professionally to determine if he can make important contributions to your department. As always tell your company's story in detail we want to sell this man on working whether or not we decide to make him an offer. Remember during our conversation we don't know if we're going to make an offer we don't know if he'll want to accept. We're not concerned about that. We want him to get better acquainted with our company.

APPLICANT TWO
I can learn on the job.

APPLICANT ONE
I have the experience this work will require I'll start right away if you need me now.

EUGENE
People have strong preference as to where they want to go. Parts don't care. Nobody manufactures people to our specifications.

APPLICANT TWO
I can do anything...

APPLICANT ONE
Anything.

APPLICANT TWO
Everything.

credits

from How to Hire, released May 9, 2016

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Satomage Stamford, Connecticut

The Satirical Homage for anything and everything.

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